Dietary Joker Pillows

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'Eight wiener dogs, and six rolls. It's just not right.'

Pope tarts.

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

'Chocolate never tasted so good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.'

Hello-BUNS OF STEEL?

"Eat more pizza and doughnuts and stop exercising. Just kidding, you should see your face!"

On Sale Today Free Range Chickens...Back In One Hour.

"You're right. The sunscreen does taste like ranch dressing."

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

'Yes, chocolate moose.'

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

'Make it four beers and an '02 Brunello di Montalcino, if you've got it, for you-know-who.'

"Do you have a dollar menu?"

'It's her signature dish.'

"Just keep your eyes closed - it'll only upset you."

Jim's Smart Kettle

'Yes, I'd like the chef pan-fried, marinated in his disgusting sauce and charcoal grilled.'

Virgin Olive Oil. Not-Virgin-But-Has-A-Heart-Of-Gold Olive Oil.

"I like the metric system. My weight in kilograms is less than my weight in pounds."

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

"Pecan pie with rum-raisin ice cream is the best revenge."

"An apple? Doesn't he have any pizza?"

"If you have one more round it's considered a main dish."