Nutrition Joker Pillows

'I hate it when they take the food pyramid, mix it all together and serve it in a trough!'

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"Our Summer Citrus IPA contains your full daily requirement of fruit and fiber."

"I say it's Kale, and I say it's spinaches shitfaced uncle."

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Eight wiener dogs, and six rolls. It's just not right.'

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

Pope tarts.

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

"Eat more pizza and doughnuts and stop exercising. Just kidding, you should see your face!"

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

"An apple? Doesn't he have any pizza?"

Jim's Smart Kettle

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

Roger couldn't understand why his diet wasn't working.

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'

'I'll be talking nonsense when you come to take our order. But, if you pretend I'm speaking French there'll be a big tip in it for you.'

Football crazy

'I've got rotten teeth and you need glasses, ironic does not even cover it!'

"I don't need roughage that badly!"

"Look! Now they offer healthy choices we can glance at before ordering our usual junk."

'No, you can't count an extra olive in your martini as a serving of vegetables.'

"Wine and women are off but can sing as much as you like!"

Warning: Eating this food could result in a decrease of health benefits

"Processed food was his undoing. He was eating a salad sandwich in the warehouse, when a pallet of pork pies fell on him!"

Vegetarian taxidermy

'They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said no no no.'

birthday meets reality