Grade Scale Humorist Gifts

"I flunked sticks this time, but I got a C+ in rocks!"

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Check it out! In nature, females are in charge...they select their mates!"

You wrote a book report on a video game instruction manual?

'He takes his doodling very seriously.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Finish your homework first, Og... then you can watch the wall.'

"This is the fourth student who bubbled in Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E when I told the class to 'bubble in your name'!"

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

"I feel like a newborn. No hair, no teeth, no bladder control."

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

'I'm at that awkward age when I can't read my own handwriting. Do they teach penmanship in college?'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

'Does grandma still outrank you?'

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

"Today I found out a teacher can call on you even if you have location services turned off."

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

'Nice try, Billy, but dogma is not a puppy's mother!'

'You reach an age where shredded homework is a lot easier to digest.'

'Ageism at work'

'He's at the pinnacle, but not at the pinnacle of his PROFESSION.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'Coach - do you know the definition for 'losing coach''

Now playing 'Downsized and out' - a movie based on Ed Benson's resume.

'I need a hug. I was laid off at the fish factory.'

'I don't know which will come first.. retirement or draft?'

"You're hired. Stay!"