Training Humorist Gifts

COWS: Cow Coach

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

Geography class - UR Here.

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

"You're not going anywhere, young man, until you probe and release your catch!"

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'I'm taking the 'learn from my mistakes' approach to education.'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

'My school has a very strict detention policy.'

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

The Principal of Inertia.

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

I will not chew gum in class, even sugarless....

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

"House training's not so bad - you soon get used to it and, if you play your cards right, you'll get lots of treats."