Training Humorist Gifts

COWS: Cow Coach

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"Here's to non-electric sharpeners."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'It's basically a good master's thesis, but the word you want is 'serfs,' not 'smurfs.''

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

'Sorry, we can't offer you a job but we would like to publish your CV.'

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

"You're not going anywhere, young man, until you probe and release your catch!"

University. I never really understood geometry until the instructor brought up pizzas.

"Don't forget the nucleus has mass."

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

Employment Agency. I didn't hire him -- Those bipedal guys are are afraid to get their hands dirty.

Geography class - UR Here.

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

'I'm taking the 'learn from my mistakes' approach to education.'

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"I don't know about you, but I don't like being a high school guidance counselor."

"Every sixth grade substitute is offered an optional cyanide pill."

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

'My school has a very strict detention policy.'

I will not chew gum in class, even sugarless....

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

The Principal of Inertia.

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

Personnel Office. When you go into the job interview start snooping around. I hear they're looking for somebody who checks all the boxes.

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'