Age Humorist Gifts

Dentures.

"I'm sorry, but he only has 75 years to live!"

"Men Don's age are back in style."

"I feel like a newborn. No hair, no teeth, no bladder control."

I wish it were age-appropriate for you to make me a martini. How are you, anyway? Do you want that in people years, wolverine years or bartender years?

Haven't your eyes gotten tired of reading after 150 years? If you're waiting for that to get a rise out of me

Sadie, you might be able to settle a scientific question. You can not get under my skin, loser. They just cut down a huge Redwood tree. It's got 3,200 rings in it. I'm not even listening. Is it true every ring represents a year? You must know, since you were around when that tree was born. Hey everyone, she says it's true. When I'm don with my meatloaf, let's find out how old you are. Munch mun -

'I don't know which will come first.. retirement or draft?'

'Aaaaaaaaaah forty seven. What a lovely age.'

'I'd say you're a little late...'

"Gosh Grandma, you must be over a million in dog years."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"I used to drink to forget. Now, age-related, short-term memory loss takes care of that for me."

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"800 years old?!! - Gosh... you must be feeling very 'long-in-the tooth."

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

'How do you feel when you get up in the morning?' 'Amazed!'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"Date of birth?" "1989." "In 1989 I couldn't make ice... still can't." "Good lord, she could be my daughter! I'm so #!@* old." "That's the year my wife left me. Now I have a cold and I'm depressed!"

Middle Age: When an 'All Nighter' means you didn't have to get up to pee!

"What's your earliest memory, Sadie?" "You can not get under my skin, loser." "Maybe I can help you figure it out: were people wearing powdered wigs, or were they wearing togas?" "Did they live in primitive huts, or in trees?" "I'm not listening!" "Were they standing upright, or swimming in a primordial sea?" "You're about to be swimming in primordial soup."

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

"What do you mean, 'I'm in good shape for a man of forty'? I'm only twenty-six!"

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

"You boys who have to take your medications with food, now's the time."

'Ageism at work'

"Isn't Jim Carrey getting too old to make Jim Carrey movies?"

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

"I call him auction man - his hair is going, his teeth are going, his sex drive has gone."

'Coach - do you know the definition for 'losing coach''