Grade Scale Humorist Pillows

"I flunked sticks this time, but I got a C+ in rocks!"

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"Check it out! In nature, females are in charge...they select their mates!"

You wrote a book report on a video game instruction manual?

'He takes his doodling very seriously.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

"This is the fourth student who bubbled in Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E when I told the class to 'bubble in your name'!"

'Finish your homework first, Og... then you can watch the wall.'

'Now then, Simpkins. What makes you think you could become a circus clown?'

'I'd say you're a little late...'

'You'll get a promotion when hell freezes over.'

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

"So you wouldn't be interrupted while interviewing me, I took the liberty of calling in a bomb threat."

"I feel like a newborn. No hair, no teeth, no bladder control."

Agree to disagree: you see him as a witness. I see him as a chaperone.

'I'm at that awkward age when I can't read my own handwriting. Do they teach penmanship in college?'

'True, I'm a robot, but I'm programmed to be a people person.'

'Sorry Sir, but 'impersonating a log' is not a very marketable skill...'

'I wish you had chosen a more pertinent educational issue than 'Do Dogs Actually Eat Homework?''

'Does grandma still outrank you?'

"Today I found out a teacher can call on you even if you have location services turned off."

Personnel Office. When you go into the job interview start snooping around. I hear they're looking for somebody who checks all the boxes.

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

'Have you ever been bonded?', 'No, but I've been married a couple of times.'

'Nice try, Billy, but dogma is not a puppy's mother!'

'You reach an age where shredded homework is a lot easier to digest.'

'Ageism at work'

'He's at the pinnacle, but not at the pinnacle of his PROFESSION.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'Coach - do you know the definition for 'losing coach''

Now playing 'Downsized and out' - a movie based on Ed Benson's resume.

Becky Thornmorton: The most popular girl at Central High's annual Easter egg hunt.

"You're hired. Stay!"