Performance Appraisal Humorist Gifts

"The boss says I've exceeded his low expectations of me!"

Pounding speeds up the computer.

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

Radiator jazz player

"Remind me again, is it Accounting or IT that handles issues related to online solitaire?"

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

Employee of the Month Parking

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

"This is the fourth student who bubbled in Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E when I told the class to 'bubble in your name'!"

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

'Comments? Thoughts? Anyone?'