Performance Appraisal Humorist Gifts

"The boss says I've exceeded his low expectations of me!"

Pounding speeds up the computer.

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

'Is that the sweet smell of success or some imitation air freshener?'

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

Ants dressed as businessmen going to work.

'It was going well - until his power suit short-circuited.'

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

Employee of the Month Parking

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"In accordance with our new 'sharing of responsibilities initiative,' you'll all be responsible for getting my coffee." i

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"By 'dress down day', most of us mean not wearing a jacket!"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

"My boss had security escort me out of the office today. I'm worried this means I won't be getting a bonus."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"This is the fourth student who bubbled in Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E when I told the class to 'bubble in your name'!"

'Everyone's true personality comes out on dress-down Fridays, even the boss's.'

"Barlow, it's come to my attention that you've called in, 'Playing Possum' 8 days this month."

The Phantom Of The Garden