High-functioning Humorist Gifts

Alcoholics Anonymous - 'Nowadays every bottle seems to say 'drink me'.'

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

The Phantom Of The Garden

"They'll be expecting adagio. Go with the allegro."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Opera singer singing to her partner who is wearing a gas mask on due to her bad breath.

Guitar pickin'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

Double Saxophone

Rap-scallions

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"Who is 'coming around the mountain,' John? Could it be your mother?"

'People have been known to lose an eye when a wink goes seriously wrong.'

Pay me not to pay 'Wonderwall'

"Beans, Them Beans, Them Beans, Beans, Beans..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

Edward Elgar.

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

All Les's dreams of stardom were coming true, and he'd only played one note.

Dr. Phil takes it home.