High-functioning Humorist Pillows

Alcoholics Anonymous - 'Nowadays every bottle seems to say 'drink me'.'

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

Radiator jazz player

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

The Phantom Of The Garden

"They'll be expecting adagio. Go with the allegro."

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Guitar pickin'

Opera singer singing to her partner who is wearing a gas mask on due to her bad breath.

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

Rap-scallions

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

Pay me not to pay 'Wonderwall'

'People have been known to lose an eye when a wink goes seriously wrong.'

"Who is 'coming around the mountain,' John? Could it be your mother?"

Double Saxophone

"Beans, Them Beans, Them Beans, Beans, Beans..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

Edward Elgar.

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

Dr. Phil takes it home.