Gourmet Gone Wrong Gifts

"Dad's dinner really is melt-in-your-mouth...it's half frozen!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

'Mine was stone cold.'

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

"Harold, please -- the wine steward is entitled to his opinion, too."

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

'I'll have the 'All of the above.''

'That's funny... I could have sworn I saw the chef put him on the platter.'

'Help! -- I ate too much and I can't get up!'

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

"Eating the poinsettia didn't make him sick. It was the three pounds of potting soil."

"...We don't trust any restaurant that has room for us."

The 60 Hour Gourmet Recipe For People Who Have Time To Spare And Then Some.

'How can anything this bad be fattening?.'

"Don't be late - I'm making moldy meat and orange peels over coffee grinds with a side of egg shells."

'So what's it to be, Indian cuisine, Chinese take out or are you going to do the usual Russian Roulette?'

'The 89's are very forward with meat on the nose and a lingering marrow-bone finish.'

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'Which of the high cholesterol foods are the safest?'

'Here we put the emphasis exclusively on the food!'

'A table near the food, please.'

The Full Mountie!

'Freeze Dried Nothing®. Directions: To make something out of NOTHING®, just add water.'

All you can eat. . . pizza.

For Your Dining Pleasure

"This is how it works. If you burn the fish it's "blackened cajun delight". And if you can't be stuffed cooking it, it's called Sashimi!"

"Okay, let's eat."

Man begs for his restaurant bill.

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

A Respite Between Courses

'I'd say he's tried Mrs Beeton's Recipe for a disaster.'

'We'll have to eat out tonight - the meatloaf turned on me.'

'Well that's just great. As if this stuff didn't already suck enough.'