Gourmet Gone Wrong Pillows

"Dad's dinner really is melt-in-your-mouth...it's half frozen!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

'That's funny... I could have sworn I saw the chef put him on the platter.'

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

'Mine was stone cold.'

"Harold, please -- the wine steward is entitled to his opinion, too."

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

'I'll have the 'All of the above.''

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

'Help! -- I ate too much and I can't get up!'

"Eating the poinsettia didn't make him sick. It was the three pounds of potting soil."

"...We don't trust any restaurant that has room for us."

The 60 Hour Gourmet Recipe For People Who Have Time To Spare And Then Some.

'So what's it to be, Indian cuisine, Chinese take out or are you going to do the usual Russian Roulette?'

"Don't be late - I'm making moldy meat and orange peels over coffee grinds with a side of egg shells."

'The 89's are very forward with meat on the nose and a lingering marrow-bone finish.'

'How can anything this bad be fattening?.'

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'Which of the high cholesterol foods are the safest?'

'Here we put the emphasis exclusively on the food!'

The Full Mountie!

'A table near the food, please.'

'Freeze Dried Nothing®. Directions: To make something out of NOTHING®, just add water.'

All you can eat. . . pizza.

For Your Dining Pleasure

Man begs for his restaurant bill.

"This is how it works. If you burn the fish it's "blackened cajun delight". And if you can't be stuffed cooking it, it's called Sashimi!"

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

"Okay, let's eat."

A Respite Between Courses

'I'd say he's tried Mrs Beeton's Recipe for a disaster.'

'We'll have to eat out tonight - the meatloaf turned on me.'

'Well that's just great. As if this stuff didn't already suck enough.'