Gourmet Foodie Gifts

"Sure, dead is important. But it has to taste good."

'A hot dog won't work when there's steak on the neighbors' grill.'

"I don't think there's time for a quadrille."

'It needs more barrel again, and believe me, I know - I used to be one.'

"The three-Martini lunch looks good."

"No, you certainly may not have a hamburger!"

As long as I have your ear, I've been meaning to put in a request for some artisanal cheeses in the mousetraps.

Drive-Thru Fondue

'Oh, no!'

'Lucky you, we have eleven guests and only ten glasses.'

'Don't you have American processed cheese food in a can?'

"Hurry up! I'm gasping for a cheese sandwhich."

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

The wonderful world of cheese.

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

Cookbooks

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."