Geriatric Jokester Gifts

"Ready for your birthday present dear?" "Leave the diaper on! Leave the diaper on!"

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

I'm taking you off trying to stay young.

"Sounds like cracked ribs. Try loosening your belt."

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

'Tender and Juicy.'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

"I know that you've always enoyed your work."

'Hot dang! Ethel, check out Raymond's new twenty-twos!'

"And a parsley in a pear treeeee."

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

Summer Reading

"An olive or a twist?"

"It's the Florida kid."

'Yes, it is a 'wonderful discovery'. But whatever you do, don't touch it!'

"With the right training an enterprising young man like yourself could do well in white-collar crime."

'Remind me again. . . who's chasing who?'

'Murder my spouse? Oh, that's nothing but an old wives' tale.'

'So we can fing out what is wrong with you granddad, I've asked him to bring in a couple of stools!'

Still Alive

"Happy birthday. They were out of bourbon so I got you those underpants you can pee in."

Old People Whisperer

Sorry the dementia statistics are not ready, they keep losing count.'

'I think I've found your expiration date.'

"I've found a new way to get rid of rivals, son. I start reading poetry and they just go away without a fight..."

'The bottom of the garden's starting to look like a jungle again Brian.'