Geriatric Jokester Pillows

"Ready for your birthday present dear?" "Leave the diaper on! Leave the diaper on!"

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

I'm taking you off trying to stay young.

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Sounds like cracked ribs. Try loosening your belt."

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

'Retirement is OK, but instead of looking forword to weekends, I'm working at McDonalds.'

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

Athen's Theater. "Oedipus Rex" didn't test well as a title, Sophocles. How would you feel about calling it "My Big Fat Greek Tragedy"?

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

'Tender and Juicy.'

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

"And a parsley in a pear treeeee."

"I know that you've always enoyed your work."

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

'Hot dang! Ethel, check out Raymond's new twenty-twos!'

"It's the Florida kid."

"An olive or a twist?"

Summer Reading

'Yes, it is a 'wonderful discovery'. But whatever you do, don't touch it!'

"With the right training an enterprising young man like yourself could do well in white-collar crime."

'Remind me again. . . who's chasing who?'

"Happy birthday. They were out of bourbon so I got you those underpants you can pee in."

'Murder my spouse? Oh, that's nothing but an old wives' tale.'

'So we can fing out what is wrong with you granddad, I've asked him to bring in a couple of stools!'

Still Alive

Old People Whisperer

Sorry the dementia statistics are not ready, they keep losing count.'

"Have you seen my sticks?"

'I think I've found your expiration date.'

"I've found a new way to get rid of rivals, son. I start reading poetry and they just go away without a fight..."