Garbage Gourmet Gifts

"Don't be late - I'm making moldy meat and orange peels over coffee grinds with a side of egg shells."

'I want to make a positive environmental statement - What do you suggest I order?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'I'm a vegetarian.' - 'If it's so wrong to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

The Main Types of Cheese

Too much cilantro

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

To do before Saturday...

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

The dumpster code - find something, leave something.

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"This is locally grown and good for the environment, but it may give you greenhouse gas."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

'Is this still America?'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Cheese

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Holiday Supplies

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

"Vegetables, vegetables, vegetables, welcome to my dystopian world!"

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'