Greedy Gourmet Gifts

'Which of the high cholesterol foods are the safest?'

All you can eat. . . pizza.

'Help! -- I ate too much and I can't get up!'

The Full Mountie!

'Her favourite food is seconds!'

'I'll have the 'All of the above.''

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'A table near the food, please.'

Seagulls at a drive through - just ordering fries.

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Soup of the month.

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Too much cilantro

The Main Types of Cheese

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

To do before Saturday...

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Ten Dollars?! I can't eat that." Bob was on a strict low-cost diet.

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Is this still America?'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet