Grocery Gourmet Gifts

Produce. Dairy. Sale. Hey, this is marked down because it's past its expiration date. Great! Just what we're looking for, a cheap date!

'My New Year's resolution is to eat more fruits and vegetables.'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

LAY ZEE FUK

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

The wonderful world of cheese.

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

Cookbooks

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

French wine

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Yes, we have blue cheese. Do you want it in electric, sky or navy blue?"

To do before Saturday...

Every time you make a blend, somewhere, a wine maker dies.

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.