Commodity Gourmet Gifts

'My broker advises me to have the pork bellies.'

"I was with you right up to the cumin."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

LAY ZEE FUK

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

The wonderful world of cheese.

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

Careful, the plate's probably still hot.

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

Cookbooks

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

The Main Types of Cheese

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

"Sure, while you went out robbing folks I stayed here and made a nice quiche, and just to prove I'm not a sissy I made it with mountain lion instead of ham."

"Everything taste so divinely artisanal."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

To do before Saturday...

French wine

"Yes, we have blue cheese. Do you want it in electric, sky or navy blue?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'