Guilt Gourmet Gifts

'Fascinating. The rats choose chocolate nine times out of ten, but they always feel guilty about it later.'

"The I'm Going Off My Diet special comes with a side order of Guilt."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

To do before Saturday...

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

Too much cilantro

The Main Types of Cheese

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'Is this still America?'

Cheese

Holiday Supplies

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

"The bagels are better in New York."

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."