Gullible Gourmet Gifts

"It was a lovely holiday. The chips crispy and delicious, the ice cream cornets were to die for, the only downside being, the hostility of the humans, who were reluctant to share their sustenance."

'I'll have the bacon and hay wrap.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, onion bagel with Nutella and cream cheese, dirt, dirt, dirt..."

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

"I'm not all you can eat? But I brought my special plate!"

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

'I'll have the 'All of the above.''

Stand back - while I whip something up

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

Frisbee dog catching pizza dough

'No, that is not a balanced diet.'

'Help! -- I ate too much and I can't get up!'

'Did anyone save a stomach for dessert?'

"What would you serve with toast?"

'It's all made by stateless people, wanderers, nomads, whose only anchor is cheese.'

The four major food groups.

A worm sits in comfort as he has just eaten 4 apples by himself...

"If you tasted like a Umami, where would you be hiding?"

'I add the juice of one bottle of brandy.'

"Sure, organic free-range poultry is more expensive, but consider all the guilt you're saving."

'How come you never bring meatballs?'

"Some volcano roll!"

"Instead of string beans, can I get brains?"

'These are exquisite! You simply must give me your recipe.'

Christmas canape?

'It means that when you order the cheesecake, the guilt comes free.'

"The I'm Going Off My Diet special comes with a side order of Guilt."

'Just let it go, kid... You knew this line of work has its risks.'

'Which of the high cholesterol foods are the safest?'

The Full Mountie!

"Actually, you're in excellent health. The only thing I recommend is that you cut back on carbs...and that means cutting back on your favorite dishes."