Ghoulish Gourmet Gifts

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

"Instead of string beans, can I get brains?"

'Stop calling us monsters already. We're comfort eaters!'

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

The wonderful world of cheese.

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

To do before Saturday...

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

The Main Types of Cheese

Too much cilantro

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

'Is this still America?'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Holiday Supplies

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Cheese

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

'Cooking'

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

"The bagels are better in New York."