Gothic Gourmet Gifts

Vlad the Impaler - the Later Years

'Those kids ate me out of house and home, but what really put me under were those dang dental bills.'

"Red wine with fish? Do you take me as some kind of a monster?!"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

"The bagels are better in New York."

"What do you mean you're tired of AB negative?"

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

"Your old Jewish mother with some pickled herring, sir. To remind you of your roots,"

'Most, yes, but they're not all carcinogenic!'

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

"It all comes down to the aging and fermentation process."

"It's made with real angel hair."

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

'Here go, Thegla... It recipe you ask for.'

"Architectural Digest calls it 'Twilight chic.'"

'Now watch and listen!'

"All I've got left is smoked."

"Who gets what?"

The Ins and Outs of childhood

Hudson River Crouton

"I swear, you won't be able to tell the difference, plus, turkey eye of newt is much healthier for you."

Why Shirley hates to eat genetic modified Broccoli.

"I still call it a custard tart but to be honest, it's a dairy free, soy fructose mix, with no nuts."

'Oh please uncle Jim! Tell us another creepy story of the living!'

'WIll that be with or without methane, sir?'

'It's just Frank's ghost returning for a bottle of wine. It doesn't tend to keep well, where he ended up.'

"Instead of string beans, can I get brains?"

"Cemetery Pie"

"Well, we went through the fruit and veg, and thought we should try something more exotic - like the space-time continuum."

"I'm trying to stick to a Paleo diet. Do you think cavemen had wasabi sauce on their sushi?"

"Set phazers to medium rare!"

'How come you never bring meatballs?'

"You want fries with that Chardonnay?"