Guillotine Gourmet Gifts

Sausage Guillotine

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

The Main Types of Cheese

Too much cilantro

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

To do before Saturday...

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

'Is this still America?'

Cheese

Holiday Supplies

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

"The bagels are better in New York."

"We'd like the roasted homework for two. And fetch us a bottle of your finest toilet water."

Victorian Fast Food - 'I'll have the lark pie festooned with eels, a full stilton, two bottles of port,,,'

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

"Impressive, yes, but what exactly is a black belt in cookery?"