Grief Gourmet Gifts

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

"My aged cheddar died!"

". . . ashes to ashes, dust to dust, a handful of ground coriander, the zest of a lemon. . ."

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

"I bet you can't name one person who makes a better lengua casserole than me!"

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

'I'll have the 'All of the above.''

'You have to lose weight. Stop having intimate dinners for two, when you are not expecting anyone to join you.'

'Help! -- I ate too much and I can't get up!'

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

"I swear, you won't be able to tell the difference, plus, turkey eye of newt is much healthier for you."

"Will you all please bow your heads for the reading of the menu."

"Cemetery Pie"

"Instead of string beans, can I get brains?"

'Oh please uncle Jim! Tell us another creepy story of the living!'

'It's just Frank's ghost returning for a bottle of wine. It doesn't tend to keep well, where he ended up.'

'Sunnyside down.'

"I still call it a custard tart but to be honest, it's a dairy free, soy fructose mix, with no nuts."

Why Shirley hates to eat genetic modified Broccoli.

"Oh, this is terrible! I love it!"

"Red wine with fish? Do you take me as some kind of a monster?!"

"Don't be late - I'm making moldy meat and orange peels over coffee grinds with a side of egg shells."

"Tuna on rye, hold the smile."

"The I'm Going Off My Diet special comes with a side order of Guilt."

'The dietary exchange for this food is 3 days of unrelenting remorse.'

'Which of the high cholesterol foods are the safest?'

The Full Mountie!

Hell's Kitchen / God's Pantry.

"What's good here?"

'Fascinating. The rats choose chocolate nine times out of ten, but they always feel guilty about it later.'