Graveyard Gourmet Gifts

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

"Cemetery Pie"

The wonderful world of cheese.

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Too much cilantro

The Main Types of Cheese

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

To do before Saturday...

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

'Is this still America?'

Holiday Supplies

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Cheese

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"The bagels are better in New York."

'Cooking'