Gallery Visits Gifts

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

Old Rope

'It was restored just last year, and changed from an abstract painting to a landscape.'

'I call it 'No Admittance'.'

'It's from my strange-but-not-as-strange-as-I-am-now period.'

'This is an unpretentious little wine. Unlike the artist.'

Gallery Guide

'This one's titled, 'Artist's Block'.'

'I'd say it's pre-liposuction.'

'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.'

Modern Art.

I would love to have the time to knock off some museum quality art like that.

'Intriguing how the eyes follow you round the room . . .'

Interpretations, please.

"The catalogue's no help, it just says 'we haven't a clue either'."

'Wow, talk about genius!'

'I thought it was the ultimate expression of minimalism, but it turns out the gallery's lost its funding.'

A window is the popular exhibit at an art gallery.

Museum Guard Portrait

Tracey Emin's work My Bed, alongside Marcel Duchamp's urinal (titled Fountain). Duchamp referred to his works as 'readymades'. Emin's work is 'unmade'.

A piece of modern art is labelled so that it is hung the right way up.

Boris was surprised to find himself entered in the Turner prize.

'Abstract painting.'

Rodin's Irish Judge

Joseph Furphy and Miles Franklin.

Holbein, Woodbein

'Trapped I am afraid in the rut of originality.'

'I know what's so disturbing about this art...the stockings don't match!'

Artist with spot paintings

"He's had a bad day, he paid £400,000 for what turned out to be a crack in the wall. And then he had to pay to get it repaired."

"Have you noticed how the eyes seem to follow you round the room?"

Wow

Caution wet floor

"This is what we had before selfies!"

"That must be the artist over there."