Gallery Visits Gifts

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

Old Rope

'It was restored just last year, and changed from an abstract painting to a landscape.'

'I call it 'No Admittance'.'

'It's from my strange-but-not-as-strange-as-I-am-now period.'

'This is an unpretentious little wine. Unlike the artist.'

Gallery Guide

'This one's titled, 'Artist's Block'.'

'I'd say it's pre-liposuction.'

'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.'

Modern Art.

I would love to have the time to knock off some museum quality art like that.

'Intriguing how the eyes follow you round the room . . .'

Interpretations, please.

"The catalogue's no help, it just says 'we haven't a clue either'."

'Wow, talk about genius!'

'I thought it was the ultimate expression of minimalism, but it turns out the gallery's lost its funding.'

A window is the popular exhibit at an art gallery.

'I like it, but is it Art?'

Museum Guard Portrait

Tracey Emin's work My Bed, alongside Marcel Duchamp's urinal (titled Fountain). Duchamp referred to his works as 'readymades'. Emin's work is 'unmade'.

A piece of modern art is labelled so that it is hung the right way up.

"My conceptual artwork - documented in these photographs - consists of my going on a bus to cleveland, buying a blue hat, putting three feathers on it, and throwing it off a bridge in Michigan."

Don't get it? Read this.

"Miro, Miro on the wall..."

"That must be the artist over there."

Warning, the Surgeon General warns that prolonged viewing of this product may be hazardous to your health.

"Your painting is both original and good. Sadly, the good bits are not original and the original bits are not good."

Boris was surprised to find himself entered in the Turner prize.

'Trapped I am afraid in the rut of originality.'

'Abstract painting.'

Rodin's Irish Judge

Joseph Furphy and Miles Franklin.

Holbein, Woodbein

'I know what's so disturbing about this art...the stockings don't match!'