Attending Galleries Gifts

"I detect an accent – money?"

Two men discussing the attendance to the gallery

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

Nothing like traveling hundreds of miles to immerse yourself in art for the sole purpose of killing time between meals.

'Projectile painting.'

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'Wow, talk about genius!'

Art Gallery.

"By 'genius' do they mean the artist or the marketing department?"

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

'It was restored just last year, and changed from an abstract painting to a landscape.'

Woodworms at a sculpture gallery.

Morning and Afternoon Paintings

'How can they call it modern art when it's 100 year's old?'

"I like it, honey ... it speaks to what a waste of time your MFA was."

"This piece resembles my subconscious desire to draw spirals on a big piece of paper."

"That must be the artist over there."

'I agree, this artist will go far and he should start right now!'

Private Viewing

"I'm not an Antony Gormley, I am Antony Gormley."

'You're no Pollock.'

"It's a great work!"

"Your painting is both original and good. Sadly, the good bits are not original and the original bits are not good."

'No, no....You have it all wrong!'

"How did this comma get in with all the pieces?"

The less one gets it, the more it's art.

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

Francoise Gilot

"Do I need to know this stuff to get into medical school?"

Understanding art.

'Abstract art is supposed to look that way.' (A rather smarthy attitude in an art gallery)

Jackson Pollock - "Oh no! Someone's thrown paint all over it!"

"While, yes, I could produce those strokes, I lack the context to position an image in the ongoing conversation of contemporary art as enclosed by capitalist forces."

Tracey Emin's Bed

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'