Gallery Visit Gifts

'This one is called Fruit Concentrate.'

Invisible throng murmuring appreciation of invisible art at London's Hayward Gallery.

Private Viewing

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'The way the eyes follow you is uncanny.'

Nothing like traveling hundreds of miles to immerse yourself in art for the sole purpose of killing time between meals.

The Rise of Modern Art

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'Wow, talk about genius!'

Art Gallery.

M.C. Escher Exhibit Upstairs.

"By 'genius' do they mean the artist or the marketing department?"

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

'It was restored just last year, and changed from an abstract painting to a landscape.'

"I'm not an Antony Gormley, I am Antony Gormley."

Morning and Afternoon Paintings

'How can they call it modern art when it's 100 year's old?'

"That must be the artist over there."

'I agree, this artist will go far and he should start right now!'

"This piece resembles my subconscious desire to draw spirals on a big piece of paper."

Woodworms at a sculpture gallery.

"I like it, honey ... it speaks to what a waste of time your MFA was."

The less one gets it, the more it's art.

"'Talent borrows, genius steals' - that's one of mine, too."

'No, no....You have it all wrong!'

"An overload -- even this is beginning to look like Kitsch."

"Your painting is both original and good. Sadly, the good bits are not original and the original bits are not good."

"I like it, Julian — it speaks to what a waste of time and money your MFA was."

"It's a great work!"

Francoise Gilot

'You're no Pollock.'

"How did this comma get in with all the pieces?"

"Do I need to know this stuff to get into medical school?"

Understanding art.

'Abstract art is supposed to look that way.' (A rather smarthy attitude in an art gallery)