Future Tax Guru Pillows

'I understand, Billy, that you're planning a career in the IRS?'

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

The Current Separation of Church and State Explained.

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

'How's daddy's little deductions doing?'

"You may think the government is a big 'Giveaway' program, but you can't deduct your tax as a charitable contribution."

'So, they weren't interested in your Robin Hood tax then.'

Congressional Budget Committee: Benefactor...Victim

IRS, 'It might make you feel better if you just think of it as a negative entitlement.'

"And this financial plan is specifically designed for people who know their retirement -- IF they get one -- won't be half as good as their parents' retirement, and are really steamed about it!"

"Don't you think we should wait to see the effects of the new tax code?"

"It's no use, Super Rich! Your labyrinthine, yet entirely legal tax structures are too powerful for me!"

'Okay... now everyone smile and say: 'that;s not deductible'.'

'Aluminum siding will be used to cut costs in restoration at the U.S. Capitol.'

Osborne's Tax Cuts

New Improved I.R.S.

'Wouldn't it be easier if the banks simply merged with the Inland Revenue?'

'We're all wearing them - they were a gift from Warren Buffett.'

'I'd like to think they contribute because it's the right thing to do, but I'm not above a short sermon on tax deductibility.'

"Sure they love us, but once we turn 18 and are no longer a tax deduction, they'll tell us to move out!"

'I sent my mother to jail. I work for the IRS.'

'Don't get me wrong, the Church is glad to hear your confession of improper contributions, but only the I.R.S. can grant absolution.'

"I realize how helpless and needy they are, but I'm afraid you still can't claim a human as a dependent."

'Right you've got 30 minutes...start squeezing.'

'You can't sit like that all the way through the Budget.'

'This is the part of my paycheck that goes to taxes.'

'Of course, we could drop the enquiry and agree to henceforth leave each other alone.'

"Tell the press direct EU-taxation is necessary..."

Ever sensitive about its image, the IRS tries a more service-oriented approach.

'Is it true that you people give tax breaks for minority-owned businesses?'

'Stick a few upper-class tax cuts to it and it'll pass like a bran muffin dipped in vaseline.'

"Found meat is income."

'I'm afraid, Mr.Siimkins, that you have been badly advised - Birmingham is NOT a tax haven. . .'