Tax Return Guru Pillows

'if I didn't know those guys were public servants, I could swear it was the other way around.'

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

IRS agent to lady: 'Your refund was delayed because of shredded paperwork ... but we're putting it all together with red tape.'

'Don't get me wrong, the Church is glad to hear your confession of improper contributions, but only the I.R.S. can grant absolution.'

"We invested everything we had in our marriage."

'...We're just the Intergalactic Rescue Society.'

'Doing your taxes wasn't what I had in mind when I asked for an extra-credit assignment in econ.'

Are you sure Milton Keynes is not a tax haven?

'I came to explain about my income tax.' - 'Ok, start lying.'

"Head of household? Now, who would that be?"

Alcohol Taxes - Can't afford to be a wino, please help.

"Could I go to jail for something I didn't do? I didn't pay my income tax."

"Let's make a deal. . . I won't audit you in exchange for a discount on one of your Warhols."

"I'll be with you in a minute, sir - Just have a seat and don't make any funny moves."

IRS, 'Here's your refund, sir, minus postage and handling.'

'Shouldn't I get a deduction for this, since the government is almost a charity now?'

"Don't forget to say thank you, Malcolm."

IRS, 'Nice try, but you can't deduct your bartender as your 'drinking consultant.''

"How is it possible that I dropped out and you have a degree in accounting, but I'm doing your taxes."

'Well at least you've got your health.'

"May I keep this to hang up on my wall? It's a real doozy."

'Mr. McWit, being self employed in a one person operation, would you care to explain these deductions for employee theft?'

'You've done this before.'

"What do you want, accuracy or plausible deniability?"

'Well, okay. But I hope you'll be declaring this on your next tax return.'

I'm self employed being self employed

"Do you think I could claim depreciation on my worn out hip?"

IRS Gift Shop: All purchases deductible on next year's federal taxes.

Mr Small had the sinking feeling that his meeting with the tax inspector might not be as smooth as he'd hoped...

'Certainly I expect to deduct the diet clinic. The lean and hungry look is for business purposes.'

'I can't find a darn thing wrong with your return -- could you come back tomorrow?'

"You failed to enclose with your rebate form the correct tail feather from an extinct bird species so we are unable to process your request..."

'Now whose salary is small potatoes, and who works for peanuts?'

'Just saying I'm a CPA is boring. I'm going to start saying 'I'm a CPA, as it were.''

"Are you responsible for this, Arnold?"