Tax Return Guru Pillows

"Oh boy, am I never glad to see you."

'if I didn't know those guys were public servants, I could swear it was the other way around.'

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

'Don't get me wrong, the Church is glad to hear your confession of improper contributions, but only the I.R.S. can grant absolution.'

IRS agent to lady: 'Your refund was delayed because of shredded paperwork ... but we're putting it all together with red tape.'

'...We're just the Intergalactic Rescue Society.'

'Doing your taxes wasn't what I had in mind when I asked for an extra-credit assignment in econ.'

"We invested everything we had in our marriage."

Are you sure Milton Keynes is not a tax haven?

'I came to explain about my income tax.' - 'Ok, start lying.'

"Head of household? Now, who would that be?"

"Could I go to jail for something I didn't do? I didn't pay my income tax."

Alcohol Taxes - Can't afford to be a wino, please help.

"Let's make a deal. . . I won't audit you in exchange for a discount on one of your Warhols."

IRS, 'Here's your refund, sir, minus postage and handling.'

IRS, 'Nice try, but you can't deduct your bartender as your 'drinking consultant.''

'Shouldn't I get a deduction for this, since the government is almost a charity now?'

"Don't forget to say thank you, Malcolm."

'Well at least you've got your health.'

"How is it possible that I dropped out and you have a degree in accounting, but I'm doing your taxes."

Panama Papers Scandal

"May I keep this to hang up on my wall? It's a real doozy."

"I'll be with you in a minute, sir - Just have a seat and don't make any funny moves."

'Mr. McWit, being self employed in a one person operation, would you care to explain these deductions for employee theft?'

"What do you want, accuracy or plausible deniability?"

'You've done this before.'

'Certainly I expect to deduct the diet clinic. The lean and hungry look is for business purposes.'

"Do you think I could claim depreciation on my worn out hip?"

IRS Gift Shop: All purchases deductible on next year's federal taxes.

I'm self employed being self employed

"You failed to enclose with your rebate form the correct tail feather from an extinct bird species so we are unable to process your request..."

'Well, okay. But I hope you'll be declaring this on your next tax return.'

'I can't find a darn thing wrong with your return -- could you come back tomorrow?'

Mr Small had the sinking feeling that his meeting with the tax inspector might not be as smooth as he'd hoped...

'Now whose salary is small potatoes, and who works for peanuts?'