Funny Stories Gifts

"At least she got it to squeak when she tripped over it."

'He'll not be writing any more quick-fire gags now he's crawling along at that speed, eh, Ern?'

'Bloody hell, Jack and Jill! Can't you do a simple thing like fetch a pail of water without getting stoned?'

'This photo is hardly suitable for your misery memoir.'

"The video of you giving that big bloke a piece of your mind has gone viral!"

Firecracker ban at new year's eve

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

'That's one hell of a cat-flap Harry. You must have a big cat, heh, heh.'

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

"This does not make us friends."

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

"I've been window-shopping..."

After this embarrassing incident, the woman who lived in a shoe finally checked herself into odor-eaters anonymous.

A frog catches an insect truck.

'A wolf in sheep's clothing is one thing, but Grandma's clothing... Are you gay or something?!'

"The kitchen sink. . . actually I DID pack it, it's the one over there on the left."

'Ferguson's not at his desk -- He must be sleepwalking again!'

"Well, do you have proof it wasn't bigfoot?

'Can we postpone this? I'm out of lighter fluid.'

"Madeleine is always losing her contact lenses"

'....and how big was this bee, Sir?'

Our body parts

'Take this and use it to make really dumb jokes.'

'Sorry! I thought nobody would notice.'

"No! How would it look if I listed a CAT as a friend on my social media page?"

"I told the missus I'd be pottering around the garden all weekend."

Call Center Agents Should Be Able To Apologize And To Admit Mistakes.

"This one allows release of your information to a sitcom."

'Just so i'll know you can't resuscitate a grape-nut, right?'

"I can't believe this! When I was your age, I never hit a ball through a window!"

"Because he's been corrupted by talk radio."

Window cleaner taking ladder out from under his colleague.

Golfer on Football Pitch

"Up, down or bite your face off?"