Funny Anecdotes Gifts

"I may be getting older, but my mind is still as sharp as a...umm...one of those little pointy things!"

'Ferguson's not at his desk -- He must be sleepwalking again!'

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

"I've been window-shopping..."

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

Newton discovers surrealism

"I'm sorry, but I assumed it was a fancy dress costume..."

'This photo is hardly suitable for your misery memoir.'

"At least she got it to squeak when she tripped over it."

"Well, do you have proof it wasn't bigfoot?

"It's elephants who never forget. Elephant seals forget all the time."

'A wolf in sheep's clothing is one thing, but Grandma's clothing... Are you gay or something?!'

'Take this and use it to make really dumb jokes.'

'When I was your age we had to carry our water from the spring in a bucket...and then we'd get it out with a dipper!'

"Lassie is merely billed as America's best-loved dog."

"If it weren't for lobby security tapes I wouldn't even know I had a bald spot on the top of my head."

"Ha, ha, wait … so Cheryl from accounting, ha, ha, ha, is your, ha, ha, wife?!!"

'Okay, but don't try to operate it until I invent insurance.'

"I told the missus I'd be pottering around the garden all weekend."

'I'd like now to introduce Len who will tell slightly humourous stories in his inimicable self-serving way,'

Sooner or Later

'Could you just sign it 'Bobby'.'

"There's Colonel Clapworthy alone with his memories - dirty old devil!"

"I think my name is 'stop that' but I don't know for sure."

"I can't believe this! When I was your age, I never hit a ball through a window!"

"The video of you giving that big bloke a piece of your mind has gone viral!"

'Bloody hell, Jack and Jill! Can't you do a simple thing like fetch a pail of water without getting stoned?'

'He'll not be writing any more quick-fire gags now he's crawling along at that speed, eh, Ern?'

Firecracker ban at new year's eve

"He thought he named a star after me, but it was only a piece of flaming space junk."

"What? No! Norma, the hairnets are not edible!"