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"At least she got it to squeak when she tripped over it."

My feet are killing me, Gloria. Do you mind if I take off my shoes? But then, ironically, your feet would be killing me. Leave them on.

'He'll not be writing any more quick-fire gags now he's crawling along at that speed, eh, Ern?'

'Bloody hell, Jack and Jill! Can't you do a simple thing like fetch a pail of water without getting stoned?'

'This photo is hardly suitable for your misery memoir.'

"The video of you giving that big bloke a piece of your mind has gone viral!"

Firecracker ban at new year's eve

"Woo-hoo! Grog finally nail pesky fly!"

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

'That's one hell of a cat-flap Harry. You must have a big cat, heh, heh.'

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'

'Silly me. I thought his 'Catch and Release' bumper sticker referred to his philosophy on trout fishing.'

"This does not make us friends."

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

After this embarrassing incident, the woman who lived in a shoe finally checked herself into odor-eaters anonymous.

"I've been window-shopping..."

'Can we postpone this? I'm out of lighter fluid.'

'....and how big was this bee, Sir?'

Our body parts

A frog catches an insect truck.

"Well, do you have proof it wasn't bigfoot?

'A wolf in sheep's clothing is one thing, but Grandma's clothing... Are you gay or something?!'

'Ferguson's not at his desk -- He must be sleepwalking again!'

"The kitchen sink. . . actually I DID pack it, it's the one over there on the left."

"Madeleine is always losing her contact lenses"

'Take this and use it to make really dumb jokes.'

Kenny's new ice-cube-pouch body suit helped him reduce his air-conditioning costs.

"No! How would it look if I listed a CAT as a friend on my social media page?"

'Sorry! I thought nobody would notice.'

"I told the missus I'd be pottering around the garden all weekend."

Be polite to your acupuncturist at all times. A basic life lesson hard learned.

Call Center Agents Should Be Able To Apologize And To Admit Mistakes.

"This one allows release of your information to a sitcom."

Your lips say "no," but your nostrils say "Don