Collecting Funny Stories Gifts

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Vegetarian Birds

'Kix? Yes, Ma'am -- you can get your Kix on aisle 66.'

Mexican Jumping Balls.

'This prescription will stimulate your funny bone which will cause you to laugh. We both know that laughter is the best medicine.'

'The pills stopped your depression but we may need to adjust the dosage, Sister Naomi.'

"I've got a painful burning sensation in my groin, doc."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

'These are Martha's Camp Cupcake Muffins - and I've just ordered her new apron from the prison gift shop.'

'Bad news! We're hamsters!'

Dog to dog: 'I hate the way pointers are always blaming somebody else.'

'I would suggest a Cabernet Sauvignon. It's non habit forming. I should know. I've been drinking a glass every day for twenty years.'

"I've been window-shopping..."

"Champagne always makes her light-headed."

'Casey laughed so hard at lunch milk came out his nose...or as we say now... he had a liquid food malfunction.'

"I shouldn't worry if I were you. You have a habit of landing on your feet..!"

Finally - Prof. Brozinski found the vegetarian vampire! And he knew what to do...

"At least she got it to squeak when she tripped over it."

Waiting for the 5 o'clock hooter.

'This photo is hardly suitable for your misery memoir.'

"Well, that's not a good sign."

Golf ball stuck on a camel in a bunker next to a confused looking golfer

"I recommend the mushrooms."

"Ha ha ha...here's to your elf!"

Urp! Homo Eructus.

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

Apple says to banana: 'Look, it's had to explain ??" you're just a naturally funny guy, OK?'

"Carpenter ants."

"Well, do you have proof it wasn't bigfoot?

"How does Moses make tea? He brews."

The Federal Witless Protection Program in action.