Collecting Funny Moments Gifts

'I'd like to return this snake. It's suffering from reptile dysfunction.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"What the hell took so long?"

Vegetarian Birds

'Kix? Yes, Ma'am -- you can get your Kix on aisle 66.'

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'

Mexican Jumping Balls.

Clown's Cuckoo Clock.

Malfunctioning geyser

'This prescription will stimulate your funny bone which will cause you to laugh. We both know that laughter is the best medicine.'

A boy with a camera

'The pills stopped your depression but we may need to adjust the dosage, Sister Naomi.'

"This does not make us friends."

'You're going the wrong way, Ben!'

"I've got a painful burning sensation in my groin, doc."

Son burying his dad in sand

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

Dave took his motto, 'Roofing done in one hour' seriously, even nailing shingles before plywood had been put down.

'These are Martha's Camp Cupcake Muffins - and I've just ordered her new apron from the prison gift shop.'

Dog to dog: 'I hate the way pointers are always blaming somebody else.'

'I would suggest a Cabernet Sauvignon. It's non habit forming. I should know. I've been drinking a glass every day for twenty years.'

"Champagne always makes her light-headed."

"I've been window-shopping..."

'Oh, you know, the usual...just working.'

Waiting for the 5 o'clock hooter.

"The computers are down. You'll just have to suffer and go outside and play."

"Well, that's not a good sign."

Santa vs traffic warden...

"Do you know why we pulled you over today, sir?"

Apple says to banana: 'Look, it's had to explain ??" you're just a naturally funny guy, OK?'

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

'Ha! OK Eddie. You owe me 50 bucks!'

"Carpenter ants."