Collecting Funny Moments Gifts

'I'd like to return this snake. It's suffering from reptile dysfunction.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"What the hell took so long?"

Vegetarian Birds

'Kix? Yes, Ma'am -- you can get your Kix on aisle 66.'

Mexican Jumping Balls.

Malfunctioning geyser

'The pills stopped your depression but we may need to adjust the dosage, Sister Naomi.'

A boy with a camera

'This prescription will stimulate your funny bone which will cause you to laugh. We both know that laughter is the best medicine.'

"This does not make us friends."

Chameleon humor...'I never metamorphosis I didn't like...'

"I've got a painful burning sensation in my groin, doc."

'You're going the wrong way, Ben!'

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

Son burying his dad in sand

Dave took his motto, 'Roofing done in one hour' seriously, even nailing shingles before plywood had been put down.

'These are Martha's Camp Cupcake Muffins - and I've just ordered her new apron from the prison gift shop.'

"Champagne always makes her light-headed."

'I would suggest a Cabernet Sauvignon. It's non habit forming. I should know. I've been drinking a glass every day for twenty years.'

"I've been window-shopping..."

Dog to dog: 'I hate the way pointers are always blaming somebody else.'

Waiting for the 5 o'clock hooter.

"The computers are down. You'll just have to suffer and go outside and play."

"Well, that's not a good sign."

The Federal Witless Protection Program in action.

Santa vs traffic warden...

"Is the snapper fresh?"

Apple says to banana: 'Look, it's had to explain ??" you're just a naturally funny guy, OK?'

'He arranged it himself. Let's face it he really was the skinflint's skinflint...'

"Do you know why we pulled you over today, sir?"

Urp! Homo Eructus.