Funeral Gifts

"He looks so natural."

"Grief takes many forms. But don't worry, we're here to help you fill them out."

"I'm not climbing down there to fetch your teeth. Serves you right for spitting."

"The doctors never gave up."

A man gets through the pearly gates with an E-Z Pass.

"One more - Billy wasn't crying."

'I wanted a burial service, he wanted cremation, so I decided to compromise and have him clambaked.'

'He was a great writer'

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

"There's been a huge outpouring of emoticons."

"Says here he leaves behind a wife, two children, and forty-seven Twitter followers."

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

"His last request was that we close the casket before you begin."

'It was his last request. He was a track star in college.'

"We never say 'death'—we prefer 'deadness.' "

'You're sure that's one of the stages of grief?'

"Harry insisted on doing everything himself."

'You should've called me sooner. I need a kidney transplant.'

'I still can't believe he's not snoring.'

'I inherited therefore I am'

'Well, my Cecil always loved to think 'out-the-box'.'

Losing a loved one is never easy. The trick is to make it look easy.

"Tragic really, he died because no one knew his blood type....but I'll never forget his last inspirational words to me....be positive!"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Man Crosses Finish Line At Heaven's Pearly Gates

"That's the fourth husband she's put in the ground without any concern for what it's doing to the environment."

Temporarily Off-line.

He never could fit in.

'Don't know what he died of. He was always complaining about something or other. I'm just glad I won't have to suffer anymore.'

'We're going to start without him.'

St Peter: 'The bike can stay. You, on the other hand, aren't on the list.'

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

'He managed to think himself into the box !'

"A personal injury lawyer whose will stated he wanted one last chase."

Gravestone: Jed T. Riggs - This wasn't my idea.