Funeral Service Gifts

"He had himself pierced once too often."

'Kind of makes you wonder what he'll do next for attention.'

"Morning, Father. I'm the funeral director."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

He looks so natural lying there...

"All we have left is standing room only."

'He loved that dog.'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

'He was a great writer'

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

'What - no internet? No USB ports? No socket for the coffee machine? No phone? Are you crazy? My husband was a very important CEO!'

"David live a rich, full life, despite what his Wikipedia page says."

"Promise me that if I die first you won't eat me."

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Amy Winehouse, up in Rock N' Roll heaven.

Life and Death

"Personally, I of course loved Uncle Clarence, but Mr. Quibbles wants to say a few things."

"I guess laughter wasn’t the best medicine."

Life after death

'Yes, death signifies a cosmic change of address. Alas, your husband's mail will not be forwarded.'

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2pm meet your Creator

Ventriloquist Grave

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

Norman Wisdom at the Pearly Gates

'At least they did a good job on him.'

'There's a little bit of my late husband in every glass - I used his ashes as a fining agent.'

Cricketer's funeral

'Harry! - If you can hear me - what did you do with the remote!?'

Heavenly Gazette This Heavenly Gazette is awfully thin. There doesn't seem to be a financial section Because you can't take it with you. There's no weather forecast. It's perfect every day. I don't see any sports scores. Everybody's a winner up here. And there are no political reports. Of course not in paradise we don't hear anything about politics!

A man in a little rowboat goes to his grave.

'He's a conspiracy theorist - he refuses to believe that Great Aunt Mildred is really dead.'

'He never listened to his mother!'

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'