Friendship Skeptics Gifts

"If he's really your best friend, why did he have your tail cut off?"

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

Life is for the birds.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

Marriage least expected to last...

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'Have you two taken the COSMO 'compatibility test'?'

"I thought he was into fitness, but his 'fitness tracker' turned out to be a flea and tick collar."

The Sleeping Congregation.

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

Cupid misses his shot.

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

"I'm going to be rich, famous, and irresistible to the opposite sex any day now, Randy." "I think you've had one too many hot cocas, little buddy." "No, really. I've written a note for my descendants and buried it in a time capsule in my backyard." "Once they read it, they'll time-travel back to the 20th century and genetically engineer my embryonic self." "They'll bestow me with superhuman charisma, epic good looks, and money-management skills." "You're forgetting that to have descend

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"It's a beautiful ring. She'll definitely pause for a moment before saying no."

'Love gets the credit, but business makes the world go round.'

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

Cupid's Valentine

When did this date go down the toilet? I assumed when you went to the men's room that you dropped it there.

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

"It's from a girl in my class. Should I be thinking about a prenup?"

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

Yes, but.

"If only I liked you a little more and you liked like me a little less."

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

'You remind me of my ex-ex-ex.'

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'