Friends Who Are Married Gifts

So, what brings you two here today? Amanda Kern. Comics counseling.

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"I can't wait to introduce you to all the people I used to be friends with, before I started spending all my time with you."

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

"Yes ... no!"

"Their wedding registry has 8 place settings of double wall, stainless steel water bottles."

"Well, your feng shui isn't my feng shui."

"Till death us do part? Don't be so bloody morbid!"

"When I take your arm Charlene, there's no need to flex."

"Now, to continue our argument before we were interrupted..."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

'There are signs of improvement but I wouldn't order Christmas cards with both your names on them.'

'I think you'll all rest easy knowing this is a gated community!'

"Of course I'm sorry for whatever it is I'm supposed to have done."

'My parents are out bonding at an annuities seminar. Would you like to leave a message?'

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'And will you take this man to the cleaners....'

"Can the bride refrain from twitching her entire left side?"

'I fail to see the equality here. You have eight cats and I only have Casper.'

"How did his last remark make you feel?"

'Don't you be dissing the Ho' now!'

'What part of 'don't bother coming home if you are rat-arsed' didn't you understand?'

"Great news, babe. I'm on the fall schedule."

"There you go again, withdrawing into your shell..."

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

The Gayhorns

'She didn't marry him for his looks or personality - she needed his debts for a tax write-off!'

"My favourite part of the wedding ceremony was when the minister said "repeat after me"..."

"Remember when we used to wonder whether to kiss on the first date?"

"Bride or Groom?"

Recycling - woman thinking of putting her partner in the recycling bin

"And do you promise to love, honour, and give me all your personal information that I can pass on to third parties..."