Friends Who Are Married Pillows

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"I can't wait to introduce you to all the people I used to be friends with, before I started spending all my time with you."

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

"Till death us do part? Don't be so bloody morbid!"

"Their wedding registry has 8 place settings of double wall, stainless steel water bottles."

"Well, your feng shui isn't my feng shui."

"Yes ... no!"

"When I take your arm Charlene, there's no need to flex."

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, 'Our biological clocks are in different time zones.'

'There are signs of improvement but I wouldn't order Christmas cards with both your names on them.'

'I think you'll all rest easy knowing this is a gated community!'

'My parents are out bonding at an annuities seminar. Would you like to leave a message?'

"Of course I'm sorry for whatever it is I'm supposed to have done."

'And will you take this man to the cleaners....'

'I fail to see the equality here. You have eight cats and I only have Casper.'

"There you go again, withdrawing into your shell..."

"My favourite part of the wedding ceremony was when the minister said "repeat after me"..."

'Don't you be dissing the Ho' now!'

"Remember when we used to wonder whether to kiss on the first date?"

'What part of 'don't bother coming home if you are rat-arsed' didn't you understand?'

'She didn't marry him for his looks or personality - she needed his debts for a tax write-off!'

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"Great news, babe. I'm on the fall schedule."

"Can the bride refrain from twitching her entire left side?"

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

Recycling - woman thinking of putting her partner in the recycling bin

"Bride or Groom?"

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

"And do you promise to love, honour, and give me all your personal information that I can pass on to third parties..."