Friend Who Is Married Pillows

'It's a guide for married couples called Love Without Sex.'

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

"I feel like I don’t even know my own husband ... and it’s driving me wild!"

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

"Till death us do part? Don't be so bloody morbid!"

"Yes ... no!"

"Their wedding registry has 8 place settings of double wall, stainless steel water bottles."

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"There you go again, withdrawing into your shell..."

'Don't you be dissing the Ho' now!'

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

"Can the bride refrain from twitching her entire left side?"

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

"My favourite part of the wedding ceremony was when the minister said "repeat after me"..."

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

'She didn't marry him for his looks or personality - she needed his debts for a tax write-off!'

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

'What part of 'don't bother coming home if you are rat-arsed' didn't you understand?'

"Remember when we used to wonder whether to kiss on the first date?"

"Great news, babe. I'm on the fall schedule."

"And do you promise to love, honour, and give me all your personal information that I can pass on to third parties..."

"We share values, … which is why neither of us has a full set."

'My, doesn't time fly? I can hardly believe it's been a year since you last forgot our anniversary!'

"Henpecked?! Don't get me started about being hen-pecked buddy!"