Friend Who Is Married Gifts

'It's a guide for married couples called Love Without Sex.'

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"Maybe the unseen hand of the market will change the diaper."

"I feel like I don’t even know my own husband ... and it’s driving me wild!"

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

"Till death us do part? Don't be so bloody morbid!"

"Yes ... no!"

"Their wedding registry has 8 place settings of double wall, stainless steel water bottles."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

"Now, to continue our argument before we were interrupted..."

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

So, what brings you two here today? Amanda Kern. Comics counseling.

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

"You can scatter my remains at my ex-wife's apartment."

"There you go again, withdrawing into your shell..."

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

'Your 'ex' seems to be doing well.'

"How did his last remark make you feel?"

"Great news, babe. I'm on the fall schedule."

"Can the bride refrain from twitching her entire left side?"

"My favourite part of the wedding ceremony was when the minister said "repeat after me"..."

'Don't hate me just because I hate you.'

"Remember when we used to wonder whether to kiss on the first date?"

"We've done volcano and twister. We need another movie about a natural disaster and my first marriage came to mind."

'Don't you be dissing the Ho' now!'

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

'She didn't marry him for his looks or personality - she needed his debts for a tax write-off!'

"I don't believe it. That's my ex-wife."

'What part of 'don't bother coming home if you are rat-arsed' didn't you understand?'

'Mmm -- I felt the Moon move!'

'My, doesn't time fly? I can hardly believe it's been a year since you last forgot our anniversary!'

"We share values, … which is why neither of us has a full set."