Newlywed Friend Gifts

"Remember when we used to wonder whether to kiss on the first date?"

'Now that you're hitched how about selling me your golf clubs,Sid?'

"Now, to continue our argument before we were interrupted..."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

" ... and peace be with you, although not likely."

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

"Mating dance? Good luck with that. I couldn't even get my husband to do the chicken dance at our wedding."

"...until death do you a favor."

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to take this marriage full-throttle."

'It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.'

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

Is that pancake ready yet?

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"I can't wait to introduce you to all the people I used to be friends with, before I started spending all my time with you."

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

'Lover's lance isn't the same as it used to be!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Springtime in New York. Ah, to be young, in love, and probably making two hundred and seventy-five thousand a year."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"You might ask, 'Can two people who love each other find happiness in an era of skyrocketing deficits?' I think they can."

"Get a tomb!"

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"You may now let me go try to get the sand out of my shoes and suit just in time for my next beach wedding."

'Are we there yet, I love surprises.'

"Would you care to accessorize each other?"

"It's a major fixer-upper. How's your marriage?"