Friend Going Through A Wedding Gifts

"And do you promise to love, honour, and give me all your personal information that I can pass on to third parties..."

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

"Till death us do part? Don't be so bloody morbid!"

"Their wedding registry has 8 place settings of double wall, stainless steel water bottles."

"Yes ... no!"

"Now, to continue our argument before we were interrupted..."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"Before I say, I do. Just let me run those vows past my best lawyer."

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"You don't have to say anthing, but anything you do say may later be used in court by a divorce lawyer."

"What do you mean 'no way'?"

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

"This is all so ARBITRARY!"

"There you go again, withdrawing into your shell..."

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

'She didn't marry him for his looks or personality - she needed his debts for a tax write-off!'

"Can the bride refrain from twitching her entire left side?"

"My favourite part of the wedding ceremony was when the minister said "repeat after me"..."

"Remember when we used to wonder whether to kiss on the first date?"

'He heard the question, Reverend. He's sleeping on it.'

'I told you we should have packed a lunch.'

"Henpecked?! Don't get me started about being hen-pecked buddy!"

The Happiest Hen in Abingdon.

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

"Whoa! That's a little clingy."

"The curse has been set – your ex's shoes will now squeak in the quietest of settings."

"Please excuse my appearance, but I don't have anywhere to wash and shave since my wife threw me out."

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

Hard Hat Area: Marriage Guidance Bureau.

"Then again, counselling doesn't always help everyone."

"Thanks for coming, Olga - I want you to help me contact my husband."

"I'm leaving and I'm taking your iTunes with me."

"It's not a rescue, it's the IRS and my ex-wife's lawyer."