Friend On Their Wedding Gifts

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"Approaching 10,000 steps."

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"We found the poor thing stranded on the beach last summer and decided to adopt it."

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

'... And some primitive cultures, believed that 'the great ones' modelled us from clay.'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

At the end of each day, Gary had approximately 7 minutes of free time – which left him feeling very vulnerable.

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

Come dine with me!

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

"Good game."

"Ahhh... close enough."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'I'll be late for dinner, dear. I'm up to my neck in paperwork.'

The Art Student.

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

Butterfly Woman

'Personally, I don't like to play Fetch, but it makes him happy.'

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

Larry's used art

'Finally! A meeting with one of the bigwigs.'