Newlywed Friends Gifts

"I have an objection to this marriage! You're supposed to pay my fee upfront!"

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

" ... and peace be with you, although not likely."

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

'It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.'

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to take this marriage full-throttle."

"...until death do you a favor."

"Honey, I don't want to hide anything from you. I collect pictures of cats in my spare time."

"Mating dance? Good luck with that. I couldn't even get my husband to do the chicken dance at our wedding."

Is that pancake ready yet?

'I'd like to dedicate this next tune to those who have discovered love, gotten married, and wished desperately for death.'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Lover's lance isn't the same as it used to be!'

'You may now kick the bride.'

"I can't wait to introduce you to all the people I used to be friends with, before I started spending all my time with you."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"Springtime in New York. Ah, to be young, in love, and probably making two hundred and seventy-five thousand a year."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

"You might ask, 'Can two people who love each other find happiness in an era of skyrocketing deficits?' I think they can."

'Seriously!? ... Well it's apparent I didn't marry a handyman.'

"Would you care to accessorize each other?"

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"You may now let me go try to get the sand out of my shoes and suit just in time for my next beach wedding."

'Are we there yet, I love surprises.'

"Get a tomb!"

"It's a major fixer-upper. How's your marriage?"

"Well, we're down to bare brick, natural wood, and raw nerves."

'Take my advice kid. Enjoy yourself now, because once you get married, your free ranging days are over.'