Friend Going Through A Marital Issue Pillows

Hard Hat Area: Marriage Guidance Bureau.

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

"Their wedding registry has 8 place settings of double wall, stainless steel water bottles."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

So, what brings you two here today? Amanda Kern. Comics counseling.

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"I'm used to him finishing my sentences, but now he starts them, too."

"I'm afraid, we may have to keep your wife in for a few days."

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

'Oh it is nice to get away from it all.'

'She says she's never had an affair with David Beckham and she expects me to believe that!'

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

"There you go again, withdrawing into your shell..."

"Henpecked?! Don't get me started about being hen-pecked buddy!"

"And do you promise to love, honour, and give me all your personal information that I can pass on to third parties..."

'I'm leaving you for someone who ignores me to watch Wimbledon!'

'We have separate bedrooms because I snore and because I can't stand the sight of her.'

"Well, Martha, I certainly hope your Scrabble victories keep you warm at night!"

"Lately she refers to me as her 'insignificant other'."

'My wife wanted a dog and I wanted a cat... In the end we got a lawyer!'

'Hello, Mr. Harris?... This is the private eye you hired to follow your wife. I'm afraid you were right, she is sleeping with another man.'

Man to Marriage Counselor: 'All I'm asking for is a little respect.'

"In local news, 'Hapless Husband Trapped in Loveless Marriage.'"

"It's not a rescue, it's the IRS and my ex-wife's lawyer."

"Thanks for coming, Olga - I want you to help me contact my husband."

What do you mean we don't communicate? Didn't you see the Post It note I left for you on the refrigerator yesterday

"Oh, that's just the first draft of some divorce papers I was messing around with."

"Then again, counselling doesn't always help everyone."

"Please excuse my appearance, but I don't have anywhere to wash and shave since my wife threw me out."

'I'd like to report my husband mis...Edgar?'

'Guess what Stella brought over today? Did you even know half the fruit with you in that bowl?'