Fortune Jokester Gifts

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

Virtual Doctor

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

Staff. Manager. So then you must say "I refuse to lift weights." Hey, that's not what I expected when I hired you to be a resistance training instructor!

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

"I tried the C25k but prefer the 5k2C"

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Cardiologist Henry Weil like to add some levity before surgery by hiding a whoopee cushion on the operating table.

Men dancing

There aren't any serious side effects — just an occasional Elvis sighting.

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

'Don't worry about your heart - it will last you till the end of your days. . .!'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

A rising tide may lift all boats but I sank all my savings in beachfront properties.

And if you help drive the herd all the way to Kansas City, you get to keep one steer for yourself! The first stock option.

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

'Then, to stop the spread, they burned the village and sent me home.'

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Heart Rate, Respiration, Insurance Remaining.

'Two scalpels and a nurses hat are missing...'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Why dogs are not hired to do bone scans

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'