Fortune Humorist Gifts

Trust fund trust fall.

'I had a rough year in the market. I can't attract gold diggers anymore. The best I can hope for is a silver digger.'

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

PSA Banter.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Will work for ETFs

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

Providing Healthcare For All

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

'What you seem to be suffering from is longevity.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

'We're all out of flu vaccine - how about something for anxiety...?'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

'His workout regimen consists of 50 sit-downs every day.'

"Is that your idea of a well balanced diet"

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

Doctor to man with 'Push' door on mouth: 'It looks as though you've been eating a lot of junk food lately.'

Treat Dispensers for the Middle-Aged

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

Money Bar.

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.