Misfortune Comedian Gifts

Walter from Gamblers Anonymous

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

Accident-Prone Support Group.

'Someone come and mediate our argument about mediation!'

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

A Not So Grand Slam.

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

'And the good news is - we're in deep doo-doo.'

'I had a rough year in the market. I can't attract gold diggers anymore. The best I can hope for is a silver digger.'

'You will meet a tall, dark and handsome man. He will play forward on the pro-basketball team you've just bought!'

Dyslexic Palm Reading

'Don't you hate people who blatantly use office parties to network?'

Whale Pattern Balding

Cotton candy

Freak Accident Specialist

"I didn't see anything! I swear!"

'You know how they say, no matter how bad you got it, there's always someone worse off? Well I'm that someone.'

"Thank goodness! I thought that day would never end!"

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

'Number of days since last accident' a man is falling off of ladder while trying to post numbers...

"Well done!"

"My fortune cookie says to call the food poisoning hotline."

'Look on the bright side -- we could still be in the MARKET.'

Whale Pattern Balding,

"Surprising me- that's your life's work."

"I'm sure you two will discover that you're both plagued by the same nonexistent problems."

Mobile library.

'What a lousy day! The computer, the car, and my stock portfolio all crashed.'

'-and the look on his face when you overtook him in the Car Wash!'

Really? Your biggest concern is that you wasted lost of money on harp lessons? Entrance.

'It's bad enough that you dropped your end of the stretcher, but did you have to yell 'BOMBS AWAY'?'

'Sylvia? It's Allen. Listen, I accidentally left the shop with a knee ligament kit...Yeah, yeah, I know. I am an idiot. Anyway, could you send someone out pronto with the kit for rotator cuffs?'

Speed laws enforced by gawkers at accidents.

Doctor talks to face that is halfway down man's body: 'I'm afraid the face transplant has not quite taken.'

'Misfortune Cookies: A piano will fall on your motorcycle in the near future.'